2009 is almost over and by it’s end I will have completely failed with every goal and aspiration I had for myself. I’m going to be 24 and I’m not anymore put together than I was when I was a teenager. But what I have gained more knowledge and appreciation for life and for that I am grateful to God. It’s been a wild year and some of you are in the dark. Here it is. Top five moments that shook the hell out of me this year…

5. I moved to Dayton
It was a huge step for me. It was a huge step for my band. We left everything we knew, all the comfort to rest, and the security that made playing music easy. We left it all for a 19 year old father who we knew only by passing. His name is Mat. It was a mere three months, but my time spent there can’t be measured in any unit. I learned so much about myself and the way I want my work to be judged, that the rest of my life has this period to thank for it’s outcome. We learned what real poverty is like. We learned what loneliness really is. We learned about mistakes and we learned how to really fuck up. Unbeknown, this was the beginning of the end for more than our new home…

4. My Uncle Roger died
If you’ve known me for awhile, chances are you know Taking Care Of Business and why that’s such a huge part of my life. Roger was really important to me. He was a constant for so long, he was like my brother. He was one of the worst people on the planet, but at the same time, one of the most loving people in my life. It’s because of my uncle that I will never hit anyone ever again. It’s because of him that my family doesn’t fight anymore at the holidays. It’s because of him that I know I won’t ever be an abusive boyfriend or husband. I know everything about who I don’t want to be because of him. But I loved him. More than I can explain.

3. Molly + Jamie= We’re Just Friends
I dated the same girl for what would have been six years this month. This was one of the most incredible relationships I have ever been apart of. I learned so much about what love really is. And not just in a romantic sense. I learned how to be best friends with someone. I learned how to fight, debate, and be mean. I learn how to agree, support, and be nice. I learned how to kiss. I learned how to be romantic. We’ve had so much joy in the last six years that most of you might find it quite depressing to hear. But let me assure you, while it was not something I wanted earlier this year, this shake up really opened my eyes. I got really lost in my own happiness. But because I have a friend like her that keeps me grounded, I’m not blind anymore. I never thought I could love someone so much but be excited to meet her new boyfriend, or hold her baby, or dance with her at her wedding. I’m not going to say that I never wished those things to be with me, but I really wish nothing for her but genuine happiness. I want her to do amazing things for God and I know she has all the makings to change the world. And she doesn’t need me for any of that. I hope this makes sense.

2. TnFn IS FUCKING DEAD
In late August, after we bid adieu to our home in Dayton little did we know that it would be the catalyst for the end of one of the biggest parts of my life. On August 17th, The Nothings From Nowhere officially announced the end of our band. It was a part of a master scheme to change our image, lose a drummer, and move into a completely different model of ministry. What it became was something that left many people uneasy, lonely, and scared. I was one of them. I had been in that band for 6 years and saw ten different people come and go as we tried to change the world through music. I am very amazed at the work we did. I am ashamed of the work we didn’t do. But now that the dust is settled, I am resting assured knowing that the band will be remembered to alot of people in a positive way. We didn’t end it in drama and we didn’t make a big deal. We had a very impromptu last show and went out almost as invisibly as we came in. It still comes as a shock to alot of people. What I want to  make known is that I have no regrets. I don’t miss that band and it’s not something I ever really want to revisit. That band, like any good relationship, was something that brought so much lesson that I can’t help but look at the world differently. I think that is what God has in store for TnFn. I know what I want and what I need in music. I have those songs to thank for that. Most of you who care to follow my rambles have been far more supportive than I could have ever asked. But for those of you still confused, I want to ask you to respect that part of my life. It’s over. I won’t do that again. It sounds really arrogant and ungrateful, but what my life has in store for me now is much greater than the things TnFn could do. Every good thing must come to an end and TnFn was a very good thing.

1. Hold On
At it’s conception, Hold On was a six piece version of the Nothings From Nowhere without Mat. Then Lucas, Josh, and John quit and I went crazy. What happened after that is still astonishing to me. We met an amazing, young drummer name Danny. We wrote five really stellar songs and recorded a really impressive demo. We played really big debuts and made really big strides in a matter of months. This band has literally been one of the easiest things for me to decipher as right by God. There are alot of speculations and I’m sure resentments, but I have no regrets. I was heart broken when my friends left my band, but I was blown away at the love I’ve built with this band. Hold On is something I never thought I could have and as many of you may have read as Craig wrote, I am really excited to see where 2010 takes us.

So that’s been my year. Next year has alot of work for me to do. I have a new home awaiting and an EP to master. I have tours to play and songs to help write. I have a family who is ready to grow with me. I have a girl who smittens me with every passing day. I have friendships to repair and new ones yet to bud. I have a God who I promised to help change the world around me. And damn it, I am going to do it.

This will be a totally new year. Not just for me, but for everyone around me.
2010, we’re going to make it happen.